WARNING: I'm currently feeling sad, angry, and resentful

This blog is not crafty, creative, appetizing, humorous, or even sprinkled with my charming sarcasm. (Ok maybe just a little). I find myself once again in emotional limbo about my career path. Right now I'm a ball of nerves because we are headed to contest on Tuesday and I'm placing my professional success in the hands of 12 year olds again. Right now at this very moment I am having Vietnam flashbacks of the first two years the Trinity schools were open. Back then, I felt like this every single day. I had a constant feeling of how it wasn't worth it to put myself through the emotional and mental torture of pouring every ounce of my heart and soul in to something that I got absolutely nothing back from. Even last year, which was better than the first two, was almost more than I could bare.

I started this school year with every intention of finding another job outside of education this June. I had decided that I'd had enough of feeling resentful towards my job. There are so many things that make it hard to stay motivated to want to work hard. For me, being single, I need this to fill me up emotionally because I have little time for much else to give me any emotional satisfaction. I am an intensely passionate person and this job is pretty much all I have to be intensely passionate about at this point in my life. Sad as that may sound to you, that's how it is. I need to feel like the sacrifices I make in my life are worth it in the end, and I rarely feel that way. I find myself feeling so resentful of my job at times, especially on Friday afternoons watching people leave at 4, because I'm exhausted and still have a few hours of work ahead of me. I hate working 50-60 hour weeks and then having to go to the school on Sunday afternoons because I'm STILL playing catch up. I hate when people tell me not to complain about working longer hours because I get a stipend. There is not a teacher of the face of this earth that gets paid enough for the hours they work. Not me, not the coaches, not the math and science teachers. No one. None of us do it for the money. So stop saying that to me. I can't work like I dog and then have parents tell me what a shitty job I'm doing. But that's the nature of the beast, and I'm constantly reevaluating whether or not it is worth it. This job is like an abusive boyfriend. It keeps beating me down and making me feel horrible about myself and just when I've had enough and decide to leave, something happens to make me change my mind. And I tell myself it will be different this time, it won't happen again. But yet here we are. I'm battered, I'm bruised (literally, I'm bruised all over from dropping percussion equipment all over myself), and I'm ready to move on. I'm definitely at low point right now. I know that when I cry when I don't have PMS that I'm really hurting. I just hope that it's all worth it on Tuesday.